(national Copyrighted (in England, her Colonies, and 
States) Edition of the Works of the Best Authors 

No, 306. | 

© 

The Woman’s Convention, \ 

Punkviile, U. S. A. • 

© 

An Jfmrnnsisfrjti Brochure of Jflun auft • 

JfTollij m (Dm? Art • 

© 

/ BY ! 

EUDORA HOLLINS HEAD SLOCUMB * 

Edited by MARION SHORT * 


PS 635 
. Z9 
S634 
1915 
Copy 1 


Copyright, 1915, by Samuel French 


No permission is required to produce tliis play 


PRICE 25 CENTS 


New York 
SAMUEL FRENCH 

PUBLISHER 

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London 

SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 
26 Southampton Street 
STRAND 


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C » 













The Woman’s Convention, 
Punkville, U. S. A. 

Ait flnronstHtont Sir ordure of Jfliut atti* 
JffoUij ht ©no Art 


BY 

EUDORA HOLLINSHEAD SLOCUMB 

Edited by MARION SHORT 


Copyright. 1915, by SAMUEL FRENCH 


No permission is reauired to produce this play 


> 

» 

> » 
t> i 
5 > * 

> 


New York 
SAMUEL FRENCH 

PUBLISHER 

28-30 WEST 38th Street 


London 

SAMUEL FRENCH. Ltd., 
26 Southampton Street, 
STRAND 





, T /X iJ f 

" V V^V 

THE WOMAN’S CONVENTION 


Time :—Now. 

Place:— Punkville, U. S. A. 

Scene:— A Convention Hall decorated zvith bunt¬ 
ing, flags, mottoes and banners. At l. a 
speaker s stand behind which the President and 
Secretary sit. Seats, preferably camp-chairs, 
face the speaker’s stand, leaving a cleared space 
in front of it. There should be an aisle left 
free for entrances and exits at r. Also there 
should be a door at l. Near stand and facing 
the same "way, chairs should he occupied by the 
minister, the MayoPs representative, Mrs. 
Honorarium and Mrs. Liverpool-Pondon, 
while the chairs at r. are taken by the remain¬ 
ing members of the convention. 


c v 

< C' C 


2 

©CI.D 40049 

JUN 16 1915 


/ 




CAST OF CHARACTERS. 


Mrs. Wobbly. President of the Punkville Feminist 

Club 

Mrs. Loppy. Secretary of the Punkville Feminist 

Club 

Miss Taggett . Mayor's Representative 

Mrs. Pry. Editor The Woman's Political Prog¬ 
nosticator 

Mrs. Sparks. Chairman of the New City Charter 

Committee 

Miss Prim. . Usher of the Punkville Feminist Club 
The Reverend Miss Splurge. .Who aspires to the 
chaplaincy of The Punkville Feminist Club 
Mrs. Liverpool London A Suffragist from abroad 


Mrs. Honorarium . A visitor from Nezv York 

Mrs. Jones . Mother of the Jones children 

Jennie . Elder of the two Jones children 

Mrs. Strongmind . Positively for Suffrage 

Mrs. Waybacic . Positively against Votes for 

Women 

Bridget Maloney. .An investigating local visitor 

Mrs. Hansweiser . A disgusted local visitor 

Mrs. Van Proper . A Club Member 

Mrs. Gossip . A Club Member 

Mrs. Gadsby . Chairman of the Indiscretions 

Committee . 

Mrs. Greene . A fond-mother Club Member C 

Susie Green . Who is Mrs. Green's youngest 


Mrs. Paolo Simpleanna . A protesting visitor 

Mrs. Vocal. .President of the Pink Cat Club of 

Loudville 

Other Club Members and Members of the Pink Cat 

Club. 

3 














SUGGESTIONS. 






During the proceedings of the convention, the 
ladies present pass powder puffs to each other, cast 
surreptitious glances into hand-mirrors, straighten 
their hair and arrange their hats as occasion offers. 
These bits of business are indulged in mainly as one 
speaker retires and another comes forward as of 
course attention must not be distracted from the 
one holding the floor. 

Local hits and fresh news items may be made 
use of by speakers whenever same would add to the 
humor of their lines. 

The Club Members are, in the main, dressed 
fashionably as are also the visitors. Miss Splurge 
may wear a cap and gown and indulge in crochet 
work during the proceedings. Bridget Maloney 
should show a preference for bright colors in her 
attire, especially green. Mrs. Hansweiser should be 
scrupulously neat and approximate the German 
peasant-girl in her attire. Mrs. Simpleanna should, 
of course, suggest her Italian origin by means of 
bright colors, large ear-rings, hair parted and drawn 
over her ears, etc. 

Miss Prim passes peppermints and gum on small 
tray to each speaker at the conclusion of her efforts. 

,*■. • Bridget Maloney sustains most of the humor of 
Dthe piece and her part should be taken by a woman 
capable of strong character delineation. 

NOTE:—When there are so many parts to be 
taken it is very essential in an amateur performance 
to have an expert prompter among those seated on 
stage to avoid danger of painful pauses. 


4 


The Woman’s Convention 


DISCOVERED:— The convention assembled and 
seated. There is a buzz of animated conversa¬ 
tion which the President interrupts by sharp 
raps of the gavel. 

President. (Mrs. Wobbly) The meeting will 
please come to order. (Silence) 

Mrs. Gossip. ( Spitefully. Finishing a sentence 
to her neighbor) —seems to forget that he’s a 
married man, and if he—oh! ( Claps hand over 
mouth as she realizes she is being heard by every- 
one) , 

President. I’m just so nervous, ladies, that I 
don’t know whether I’ll conduct this convention 
right or not- 

Encouraging cries from Audience. You will! 
You will! 

President. I was elected while Willie had the 
measles and I didn’t know it until I got here to-day, 
and I was never president of anything before, so 
I’ve asked the Secretary to prompt me what to do 
and—please—everybody prompt me, for I don’t 
know a thing about Parliamentary Law. I might 
have studied it during Willie’s measles if some one 
had given me the hint. Well, I’ll just do the best 
I can. Of course I know I have to pound with the 
gavel and cry order at stated intervals, but just 
how far apart the intervals should be I haven’t the 
slightest idea. T have been asked to state for the 
benefit of visitors that we meet 'here on a platform 

5 




6 


THE WOMAN’S CONVENTION. 


of equality, each and everyone having a right to 
express her mind whether for universal suffrage or 
against it. (Turns to Secretary) What was it 
you told me I ought to do next? 

Miss Loppy. Ask me to read the minutes of our 
last meeting. 

President. ( Nervously ) Well, if you know 
that comes next why should you wait for me to ask 
you? Proceed, please. 

Miss Loppy. (Reads from a note-book in her 
hand) The last meeting of the Punkville Feminist 
Club was held in Mrs. Gossip’s dining-room, be¬ 
cause the parlor was being papered, and Mr. Gossip 
wanted the sitting-room all to himself to read his 
paper in. 

Mrs. Strongmind. (Springs up) Down with 
husbands! 

Mrs. Gossip. (Springs up also) Not with 
mine! He can sit in the sitting-room just as long 
as he thinks the situation demands it! Just because 
your husband hasn’t courage enough to open his 
head- 

. Mrs. Strongmind. ( Interrupts) He HAS the 
courage to open his head. (His head is open this 
instant) He’s at the dentist’s having a bicuspid 
molar drawn. 

President. (Pounds gavel) Order! Order! 
(Mrs. Gossip and Mrs. Strongmind glare at each 
other, then resume their seats) Please proceed, 
Miss Loppy. 

Miss Loppy. In just a second, Mrs. President, 
but I want to ask a question first while I think of it. 
Mrs. Greene, where did you say you saw that 
reduced pearl-colored crepe de chine? 

Mrs. Van Proper. (Rises) Mrs. President, I 
protest. The Secretary is out of order. 

Miss Loppy. (Angered) You’re out of order 
yourself, Mrs. Van Proper, and I’ll get that crepe 
de chine if I want it! 



THE WOMAN’S CONVENTION. 


7 


Mrs. Van Proper. Just because my niece has a 
pearl colored gown, you’re going to try to imitate it! 

Miss Loppy. Your niece is so insignificant, Mrs. 
Van Proper, that I’d forgotten her very existence. 
She should dress in bright red if you want her 
noticed at all, which the poor girl isn’t now. 

Miss Maloney. ( Jumps up delightedly ) Go 
to it! Av there’s anything that warms me blood it’s 
a scrap! 

Miss Loppy. Where did you say, Mrs. Greene? 

Mrs. Greene. Catty cornered from the library 
on Eighth and Main—that new store—the Fried- 
landers. 

Mrs. Van Proper. Sorry to disappoint Miss 
Loppy, but Mr. Friedlander gave me an option on 
the rest of the bolt. 

Mrs. Sparks. (Jumps up with loud protest) 
Well, I’ll bolt this convention if order isn’t soon 
restored. 

President. Oh, I forgot! {Pounds with gavel) 
Order! Order! Or Mrs. Sparks will bolt! (Mrs. 
Van Proper and Mrs. Sparks resume their seats. 
Bridget looks interestedly from one to the other, 
then sits down also) What would Parliamentary 
Law do in case of such confusion, I wonder? 

Miss Maloney. {Hops up. Eagerly) Sind the 
scrappers to jail! Shall I call the police? 

President. Sit down, please. (Bridget does so, 
mumbling a complaint) Proceed, Miss Loppy. 

Miss Loppy. {Softly but firmly) Friedlander’s 
is not the only store containing pearl colored crepe 
de chine. {Reads) At our last suffrage meeting it 
was proposed by a speaker from the City Council 
to build a dam over the body of water most con¬ 
venient to the city, raising it to wash the town clean, 
after which alfalfa and weeping willows may be 
planted as suggested. 

Mrs. Van Proper. {Sotto voce, for the benefit 


8 


THE WOMAN’S CONVENTION. 


of Miss Loppy) There are crepe de chines AND 
crepe de chines. 

Miss Loppy. Which I’ll prove when I buy mine. 

Mrs. Van Proper and Miss Loppy. (In chorus) 
Such presumption! Such selfishness! I never 
heard of such a thing! etc. (They keep on glaring 
at each other and exclaiming until President stops 
them) PRESIDENT. Ladies, ORDER! (The 
gavel hits her left hand a glancing blow as she brings 
it down on table) Ouch! I struck my finger. 

Miss Maloney. Then your finger’s out of order! 

Mrs. Van Proper. (Rises) Mrs. President, I 
wish to call your attention to an error in the Secre¬ 
tary’s report. She pronounced suffrage like suffer¬ 
ing. 

Miss Loppy. ( Softly , with her eyes on her re¬ 
port) If some people are growing so deaf that 
they imagine suffering is said instead of suffrage, I 
would suggest a nice, black enamelled trumpet. 

Miss Maloney. Suffering Moses! Any suf¬ 
fragist that ain’t suffering herself is trying to make 
some one else suffer, so what’s the odds? 

President. Miss Maloney, you are holding the 
floor too much! 

Miss Maloney. (Tone of martyrdom) That’s 
right—make me the goat whin thim two’s doin’ the 
fussink 

President. Proceed, Miss Secretary. 

Miss Loppy. (Reads) Mrs. Gadsby made the 
suggestion that a petition be framed imploring that 
at future suffrage conventions in Washington— 
(Stops and spells) What is that word? T-o-n- 
g-u-e—oh, yes! Tungsten burners be used along 
the approach to the White House so that Suffragists 
will not stumble on their way in, and can see where 
to land when they fall out. The motion was unan¬ 
imously carried. 

Mrs. Stronomind. (Rises) Mrs. President, I 
do not see why the Secretary lias omitted to note 



THE WOMAN’S CONVENTION. 


9 


my motion petitioning the car companies to give the 
big, roomy smoker to the women for a dressing- 
room, and turn over to the men the tiny apartment 
where one hangs the baby up on a peg while comb¬ 
ing Minnie’s hair, washing Bobbie’s ears, powder¬ 
ing one’s nose, and buttoning one’s shoes. I will 
add now that ft wouldn’t hurt the men to be obliged 
to stand in layers while they smoked, and two of 
them could stand in a wash-basin, while we attired 
ourselves in comfort in the smoker. 

Miss Loppy. I made a minute of the motion, 
Mrs. Strongmind, but I omitted reading it aloud 
because I have understood that some of our visiting 
speakers are rather long winded, and I want to get 
home in time for dinner. (Reads again ) Mrs. 
Sparks spoke on Man’s Relation To The Universe 
as an Atom, and her deduction of the missing rib 
as indicating man’s tendency toward spinelessness 
was well received. Mrs. Harry Gettum’s motion to 
adjourn was accepted, the next meeting to be com¬ 
bined with the convention of the present date. 

Respectfully, 

Lillian Loppy, 

Secretary of the Punkville Feminist Club. 

Miss Splurge. (Rises as Secretary sits) Mrs. 
President, I move that if there are no objections to 
the Secretary’s report- 

Mrs. Jones. (Springs up) I do object. I can’t 
make out what that dam project means. 

President. (Horrified) Order, Mrs. Jones! 
Such language, and you the mother of two! 

Mrs. Jones. (Bewildered) What did I say? 

President. I never use profanity, so I can’t re¬ 
peat it. 

Mrs. Jones. But you don’t understand! I 
meant- 

President. You may tell your Pastor what you 
meant, not me! 




IO THE WOMAN’S CONVENTION. 

Miss Maloney. ( Delighted . Springs up) Hit 
'em again, Maginnis! 

(The Jones children begin to cry.) 

President. ( Addressing Mrs. Jones) And 
you should have left your children at home with 
their father, Mrs. Jones. ( The Jones children cry 
louder than ever) Yes, it’s his sphere to look after 
them when you attend our meetings, where they 
should neither be seen nor heard. 

Mrs. Jones. ( Warning the children to silence) 
But he had to look after business. 

President. Business should be sacrificed to 
.civic responsibilities. 

Miss Maloney. I don’t know what the word 
manes, but if anyone called a child of mine a 
“ civic responsibility,” I’d—( Raises clenched fists 
above her head) 

Miss Splurge. ( Sternly) Miss Maloney! 
{Turns to President) Mrs. President, I rise to a 
point of order. 

Miss Maloney. (To Miss Spurge) I rise to 
a pint of me elbows, if you or anyone else tries to 
crowd me out of taking me part in this occasion. 

President. You really should not make ir¬ 
relevant remarks, Miss Maloney. Dear me, where 
are we at? 

Miss Maloney. At the corner of Ninth and 
Main Street. I thought everyone knew that. 

President. ( Helplessly , turning to Miss Loppy) 
Now what do I do next? 

President. ( Helplessly, turning to Miss 

Loppy) Now what do I do next? 

Miss Loppy. You ask if the minutes stand ap¬ 
proved. 

President. All who approve of its being twenty 
minutes past three, say so. 

Omnes. (Correcting her) Not those minutes 


THE WOMAN’S CONVENTION. 


ii 


—minutes of the meeting! Not clock minutes! 
Mercy, no! etc. 

Presidents. (As hubub subsides, shows she is 
much offended) Well, if anyone wants to sit up 
here and be found fault with and pound their 
fingers to pieces in my place, they’re welcome to 
do so. Of course the minutes stand approved! 
What have the poor old minutes done that they 
shouldn’t be? 

Miss Splurge. (Rises) Mrs. President, may I 
have the floor? 

President. (Still pouting) Yes, and my desk, 
too if you want it, I don’t care! 

Miss Splurge. As I face this intelligent 
audience, I hardly know what to say. 

Miss Maloney. Arrah, thin what makes you 
say it? 

President. (Brings down gavel) O-O-Order ! 

Miss Splurge. We must not descend to per¬ 
sonalities, Miss Maloney, we should all feel the 
solemnity of this occasion. We must remember 
that humanity has reached an epoch, and that we 
all epochians. 

Miss Maloney. I’m not. I’m a Milwaukeean 
since I came from Ireland, and I immigrated later 
to this mudhole of a town we live in. 

Miss Splurge. (Throwing up her hands in hor¬ 
ror) Mudhole! Our beautiful Punkville, a mud- 
hole. 

(Omnes murmur indignant comments.) 

President. Order! Order! (Drops gavel and 
rubs wrist) And I am getting a crick in the wrist. 
(Calls loudly without using gavel) Order! 

Miss Maloney. “Order?” That’s just what I 
say. Clane the mudhole up. I’ll head the scrub¬ 
bing-brush brigade meself. 

President. (Almost crying) Order, Miss 
Maloney! 


12 


THE WOMAN’S CONVENTION. 


Miss Splurge. (Who has remained standing 
since her last speech. Condescendingly) We must 
all try to be patient with this good girl. 

Miss Maloney. (Indignantly) Good. J If I’m 
good, I’m not needing you to be patient. 

Miss Splurge. (Ignoring interruption) Mem¬ 
bers and visiting strangers, there' are a thousand 
little things running through my head- 

Miss Maloney. (Interrupting) Use petroleum ! 
That’s what Mrs. McDougal uses for the thousand 
little things running through her little Jimmie’s 
head, and it’s driving thim all away. 

Miss Splurge. (Continues to ignore Miss 
Maloney. We women must no longer grope for 
man’s heart by way of his stomach, but demand it 
through the ballot-box. 

Miss Maloney. With that sour face of yours, 
you’ll never get a man’s heart, nayther by the ballot- 
box, nor a box on the ear. Change your face is 
your only hope. 

Miss Splurge. Mrs. President, I object to in- 
. suiting remarks. 

Miss Maloney. What’s the use being free and 
equal if you can’t say what you like ? 

Miss Splurge. I would suggest, Mrs. President, 
that an Orthodox representative, such as myself, be 
present to lend dignity to all future meetings of 
this Society at so much per annum, and with 
authority to remove members of the audience who 
indulge in objectionable comments. 

Miss Maloney. Any one that iver trys to re¬ 
move a free and equal citizen like me- 

President. (Pounding alternately with gavel 
and ice pitcher) Order! Dear me, we must try 
to get somewhere. (Secretary lays a note on the 
President’s desk. President reads note aloud) 
“ The Mayor of Punkville being indisposed, the 
Honorable Miss Taggett will speak in her place. 

Miss Taggett. (Rises) Mrs.*President, fellow 




THE WOMAN’S CONVENTION. 


*3 


citizens and visitors. It is with great pleasure that 
I greet you. The Mayor regrets that the extreme 
youth of her twin babies renders her presence at 
home quite imperative. But she wishes to extend 
the welcome of Punkville to you all, and to assure 
you with this key ( Extends a key a foot long) the 
freedom of the City until the curfew bell sounds 
at nine P. M. After that, no one but female police¬ 
man patrol the streets, and all lights are out. Any 
man caught loitering will be compelled to listen to 
a suffrage speech an hour long. The Mayor hopes 
you will visit our beautiful tea-room, and that our 
censored theatre will assist in entertaining you. 
Only dramatized missionary tracts are performed, 
and the actors are all mature maiden ladies of ac¬ 
centuated respectability who will send you home to 
your various hearth-stones as pure as when you 
emerged therefrom. I respectfully retire, and give 
you the privileges of the convention. ( Seats her- 
self) 

(Mrs. Pry stands for recognition .) 

President. ( Nods recognition) Mrs. Pry. 

Mrs. Pry. (Quivering with indignation) I have 
written an editorial for my paper in regard to that 
very thing. 

President. To what thing do you refer, Mrs. 
Pry ? 

Mrs. Pry. The Mayor’s twins. Considering that 
we expected out-of-town visitors, twins were both 
ill advised and reprehensible. I have not heard that 
the Mayor has offered any excuse. At least she 
should have had the grace to apologize. 

President. (To Mrs. Pry) Why do you look 
at me like that? The twins weren’t mine. 

Mrs. Pry. I move, Mrs. President, that we over¬ 
look the offense of our Mayor with the understand- 


THE WOMAN’S CONVENTION. 


14 

ing that said offense is not to be repeated. Do I 
have a second? 

Miss Maloney. You’ve niver even had a first of 
your own. That’s why you’re sore on the twins. 

Mrs. Strongmind. (Rises) I second your 
motion, Mrs. Pry. 

President. All in favor, say I. 

Chorus of Voices. I! 

Miss Maloney. No ! The more twins in cir¬ 
culation, the better! 

President. (Ignoring her) It’s unanimous. 
(Secretary puts another slip of paper before 
President. President reads slip aloud) “ We 
have with us to-day, an eminent citizen from abroad, 
the Honorable Mrs. Liverpool-London.” (Noisy 
applause as Mrs. Liverpool-London rises) 

Mrs. Liverpool-London. It is with diffidence 
and a bad cold that I approach the subject dear to 
all our hearts—Universal Suffrage. Your confreres 
in New York gave me such a chilly reception when 
I landed, that I’ve had irritation of the tonsils and 
temper ever since. So my remarks will be brief but 
fervid. 

That women should cast an acquisitive eye on the 
two P’s—Parliament and Property—is considered 
an unpardonable effrontery by the average English¬ 
man. He thinks she should confine herself to the 
two P’s—piety and propriety. To these he con¬ 
siders she has an inalienable right, and he does not 
care to use said rights for himself. She can have 
dear old piety and tiresome old propriety all to her¬ 
self as far as he is concerned. In his estimation man 
is a thinking and woman a thoughtless machine, but 
we all know that the true woman has the brains of a 
hen and rooster combined. 

You all know of the reputed surgical operation 
required to get anything through an Englishman’s 
head. When a woman happens to be the operator, 
it takes an ax for the instrument, followed up by a 


THE WOMAN’S CONVENTION. 


15 


charge of dynamite, and then half the time she 
makes only a slight abrasion on the surface of his 
skull. Therefore suffrage progresses slowly in Eng- r 
land, but we hope in the next generation to discover 
a high explosive to open up the brains of our 
masculine contingent, and then we shall establish 
forever the new propaganda of equal rights for all. 
If necessary, we can even feed the men through a 
hose, which should certainly give them food for re¬ 
flection. In the ante-room I have a few militant- 
suffragette bricks which I will dispose of, at cut 
rates, and to the gracious hostess who shall think 
to invite me to dinner, I will present a brick free of 
charge. I thank you for your kind attention. ( Sits 
amid generous applause) 

President. (Consulting slip of paper furnished 
by Secretary) “ Mrs. Strongmind will now de¬ 
liver an original poem.” 

Mrs. Strongmind. (Rises, and reads with deep 
voice and much fervor) 

Oh, Great Intelligence give us a hunk! 

Assist us all to show the proper spunk. 

We do not ask for rude and bloody war, 

For strong to battle with our tongues we are. 

Miss Maloney. ( Sotto voce) Especially your¬ 
self, so say the neighbors! 

Mrs. Strongmind. 

With pockets in our coats, and two-legged skirts, 
We’ll use our husband’s patterns for our shirts. 

We’ll let our men folks do the kitchen fire-ens 
And whet their ploughshares into curling-irons. 

Attention males! We’ll train you in the way 
That we have meekly walked this many a day. 


16 


THE WOMAN’S CONVENTION. 


Miss Maloney. ( Iu hoarse zvhisper across to 
Mrs. Liverpool-London) Will you lend me a 
brick for a moment? She makes me tired! 

• 

(Mrs. Liverpool-London ignores her, also Mrs. 

Strongmind.) 

Mrs. Strongmind. ( Continues ) 

Our powder-puffs we’ll make from suffrage flags, 
For our progressive movement never lags. 

We’ll demonstrate our freedom from the thrall 
Of baking bread, and making beds and all 

The things like that expected of a wife-- 

And unpaid servant all her life! 

Miss Maloney. ( Wearily ) What’s cornin’ 

next on the programme? 

Mrs. Strongmind. 

We’ll carry latch-keys of our own, my friend. 
No telling to what heights we’ll yet ascend. 

Miss Maloney. Whin vou git to the top—fall 
off! 

(Mrs. Strongmind scats herself amid applause.) 

Miss Prim. (Rushes forward from her seat 
near door r.) Mrs. President! 

President. Miss Prim! 

Miss Prim. Mrs. Van Proper’s husband wants 
to know what to do when the baby eats the 
matches ? 

Miss Maloney. Call the fire department to ex¬ 
tinguish him. 

President. Order! 



THE WOMAN’S CONVENTION. 17 

Mrs. Van Proper. (Springs up hysterically ) 

Oli, heavens! Has the baby eaten matches ? 

Miss Prim. Mr. Van Proper said he hadn’t, but 
looked as if he contemplated doing so. He wanted 
to be on the safe side. 

Mrs. Van Proper. Oh, I’m glad he didn’t eat 
the matches! 

Miss Maloney. Matches are expensive. The 
auld Scratch has raised the price on brimstone. 

Mrs. Van Proper. Mrs. President, I think mv 
husband is really hinting that he’d like to come in to 
the meeting. 

President. You may tell him our programme is 
too heavy for one of his sex. He could neither 
comprehend nor enjoy it. To-morrow we shall 
have light, breezy exercises he may be able to ap¬ 
preciate. The hall will be decorated with cut 
flowers, daisies and baby-blue ribbons, also as a con¬ 
cession to incorrigibly depraved masculinity, a few 
ash-trays will be provided and passed around with 
the gum-drops. You may be excused long enough 
to inform your husband of our decision, providing 
you do not kiss him on the door-step. 

Mrs. Van Proper. Thank you. I’ll not go 
within kissing distance. (Exits, and presently re¬ 
turns quietly to seat) 

President. (As Mrs. Van Proper exits. Reads 
from slip ) “ We have with us to-day two speakers 

on the question ‘ Should women obey the law ? ’ 
Mrs. Honorarium of New York takes the negative, 
and we will first hear from Mrs. Honorarium.” 

Mrs. Honorarium. (She is a very large woman. 
Miss Prim places a soap box for her on which is 
conspicuously written “ Fairy Soap.” She mounts 
the box carefully, raises her lorgnette and surveys 
the audience with an air of great dignity and pride ) 

I hope you feel the honor of sitting at my feet. 

I have brought them from a great listence on pur¬ 
pose. I give you my gracious permission to quaff 


i8 THE WOMAN’S CONVENTION. 


at the Fount of knowledge I shall set spurting for 
your benefit. I would suggest that after my lecture, 
you give me a vote of thanks and retire to your 
homes to meditate upon the great thoughts I shall 
cast hitherward and thitherward. 

Miss Maloney. {To her neighbor) Glad it’s 
thoughts she’s a casting, instead of bricks. 

Mrs. Honorarium. Should woman obey the 
law? Most certainly not. She is allowed no voice 
in making the law, why should she be accountable 
for its provisions. Like the income tax, as applied 
to women, it is infliction without compensation. 
Woman is not considered competent enough to pass 
upon the question of Capital Punishment. She is 
not eligible to execute, but is perfectly eligible to 
execution. The law says to her: “You are con¬ 
victed by a Jury of your Peers.” Her Peers are 
often the gentlemen who have been hanging around 
the corner-saloon looking for a jury job. The 
loafer fresh from Jim Clancy’s Gin-Palace, casts the 
ballot that decides the moral young school-mam’s 
salary, and even defines her marrying privileges. 
The business-girls going to and fro, mornings and 
evenings, are producers who are both unrepresented 
and misrepresented. The mother who gives to the 
world a son, has no voice in the making of laws 
to protect that son. Woman’s relation to the law is 
a joke, but it is such a worn out joke, that I can’t 
laugh at it any more. Hence'my'solemnity. Hoping 
my weighty remarks will not give you mental in¬ 
digestion, I bring them to a close. ( Takes her seat, 
amid loud applause) 

(Miss Maloney pulls a large bunch of flowers off 
her hat and throws them in Mrs. Honor¬ 
arium’s direction.) 

Mrs. Gossip. ( Springs up) Mrs. President, 
may I indulge in a few extempore remarks? 


THE WOMAN’S CONVENTION. 


19 


President. You may. 

Mrs. Gossip. Then let me say that in my opinion, 
a woman should obey the law, because nine times 
out of ten she gets the better of it anyhow. Just 
let her he pretty, and have a jury, and she can 
kill off all the husbands necessary and still be 
acquitted and go scott free. Wise men all know 
that woman is the other half, not merely one 
third, or a rib, no matter how the law treats her: 
and even admitting that she is the rib, have you 
never heard the story of the tail that wagged the 
dog? That’s the case all over this neighborhood! 
Even if they do cut the feathers off our hats, 
censure our hatpins, banish open-work stockings 
and the peek-a-boo waist, fearing the effect on the 
strong guardians of Public Administration, they 
know that in time we are bound to break out in 
some new and delightful indiscretion, and they’d 
miss it awfully if we didn’t. Every wife knows 
that if she doesn’t develop a fascinating giddy 
streak in herself, for her husband to censor, he will 
wander around looking for it in some other woman. 
We should obey the law, I say, because even while 
we obey it, we rise superior to it, and have things 
our own way anyhow. ( Scots herself. Amid 
moderate applause') 

President. (Consulting slip Secretary places 
before her) “ We will now hear from Mrs. Way- 
back on the affirmative side of * Shall women obey 
the law? 4 ” 

Mrs. Wayback. (Rises. Her manner is .ex¬ 
cessively feminine) I don’t like Mrs. Gossip’s 
anarchistic remarks, and I don’t approve of Mrs. 
Honorarium’s either, even if she does come from 
New York. I think we should all obey the law, 
and shouldn’t want to have things our own way, 
either directly or bv beating around the bush. My 
husband thinks for me, and guides my trembling 
footsteps. And if he didn’t,.! could find plenty 


20 


THE WOMAN’S CONVENTION. 


of other men who would. I still look a good deal 
younger than my age, they tell me. I intend to 
stay placed in my sheltered nook, and remain al¬ 
ways a perfect lady. I know the law here in 
Punkville says a school-teacher shouldn’t get 
married. Well, who wants to marry a school¬ 
teacher anyhow? It’s a woman’s duty to obey her 
husband as the Bible says if she expects to go to 
heaven when she dies. And I don’t think it’s 
delicate to refer to men’s ribs. Anatomical ref¬ 
erences should be confined to medical books. I 
don’t think it’s right for woman to slide off the 
pedestal where man has placed her, double-crossing 
a brand new ballot and putting it in the box just 
like a man. It will change her whole character. 
Her face will coarsen, her head grow bald, and 
she will sprout chin whiskers as a final awful 
punishment! Oh, ladies! I implore you, stick your 
toes in the cracks of that old warped pedestal and 
climb back to where the men can worship us in 
peace! The one thing important in life is to al¬ 
ways remain a perfect lady, and have no opinions. 
That is my opinion! (Sits. Faint applause from 
one or tzvo) 

President. (To Miss Loppy) Well, what do 
I do now? 

Miss Loppy. State whether the discussion is 
still open. 

President. The discussion is still open. 

(Enter Mrs. Hansweiser, carrying a filled market 

basket.) 

Miss Maloney. If the discussion ain’t open, 
the door is. Look at what blew in! 

Mrs. Hansweiser. (Looks from President to 
audience and back again as she talks) I am from 
Sout Punkville! 


THE WOMAN’S CONVENTION. 


21 


President. Well, I have no objection, I’m sure. 
Whom have we the pleasure of meeting? 

Mrs. Hansweiser. I am a stranger vat you 
never met mit yourself already yet. My name is 
Wilhelmina Hansweiser. I come to tell you to 
meddle yourself mit your own beezness, and not 
mit my husband’s brewery where he works. You 
vimmens should make yourselves busy mit poodle- 
dogs, und cats, and dancing, und tings vat you 
undershtands mit your brains, und let de men and 
de breweries alone! You go to try already to shut 
off de beer from de working-man, und you ask for 
de men to give you de vote to vote him no beer, 
und he gives it to you NOT! Und you take my 
advices und sit home mid yourselves, und buy you 
knitting needles, und socks knit, und de brewery— 
forget it! I come here to expressions my feelings, 
und now I go back home mit satisfactions und a 
basket of cabbage. Here me Vat I say in conclu¬ 
sions. If Sout Punkville vants a brewery for de 
mens, all de vimen in de vorld can’t shut off de 
beer, nor me vot I vants to say! 

Miss Maloney. I’ll shut you off by me lone 
self. ( Takes Mrs. Hansweiser by the arm and 
drags her to door as she talks) Sure it’s your 
brewery that takes away me brother Moike’s wages 
from his family on Saturday nights, und if you 
holler ’til you’re black in the face, out you goes to 
the tune of Tipperary, or me name ain’t Bridget 
Maloney! 

Mrs. Hansweiser. (As she struggles with Miss 
Maloney) Nein! Nein! 

Miss Maloney. Tin! Twelve! Out you go! 
(Exits behind Mrs. Hansweiser, pushing her out.) 

President. (Somezvhat confused) Ladies and 
gentlemen ! I mean—gentlemanly ladies—ladies, I 
mean! I very much regret this upheaval from the 
brewery. Mrs. Sparks, will you please present as 
soon as possible the report of the committee on the 


22 


THE WOMAN’S CONVENTION. 


New Charter, which Miss Loppy informs me is 
next in order. 

Mrs. Sparks. (Rises) Mrs. President! Fel¬ 
low citizens! Visitors! After great deliberation, 
we are prepared to submit the following provi¬ 
sions. (Occasionally consults a note-book in her 
hand as she speaks) 

FIRST—It is proposed to erect a water-fountain 
every now and then, cups furnished free of charge, 
trading-stamps given with every cup—in order to 
distract the attention of the male population from 
the saloons across the way. 

SECOND—It is proposed that instead of an 
ornamental male mayor, in case a man is nominated 
for the next election, we hire a guaranteed cowboy 
to lasso a real business man, all wool and a yard 
wide, to run Punkville affairs on a business basis, 
and to use the money thus saved in advertising 
Punkville. 

THIRD—To consider ways and means for using 
the ashes piling up in our alleys. It is suggested 
that they might be combined with sackcloth and 
presented to our lately retired politicians. 

FOURTH—Suggested: That we do away with 
the phoney girls at Central and instal wooden pegs 
in their place. Wooden pegs are just as effective 
as wooden heads, and don’t cost as much, as they 
take less wood. 

FIFTH—It is proposed that we remove the 
emigrant wagon from our street railways, and sub¬ 
stitute a method that will get the business man 
down town in time to ’phone his wife that business 
prevents his coming home to dinner. 

SIXTH—It is proposed that automobiles be re¬ 
quired to stop at each crossing, while the chauffeur 
rises to his feet and tells the pedestrians whether 
he intends to turn or go straight ahead, and also 
indulge in apologies, or swear words, or whatever 


THE WOMAN’S CONVENTION. 23 

the occasion requires, as he names the make of his 
car. 

SEVENTH—It is proposed that every pedestrian 
carry an alarm-clock to warn the automobiles that 
he is coming. 

EIGHTH—It is suggested that the street cars 
furnish safety-belts hanging from the roof of the 
car into which the standee can insert himself and 
hang suspended, thus saving his corns and those 
of others in the rush hours when the car makes a 
lurch to leeward. 

NINTH—It is proposed that the bill-boards of 
the city be given a heavy coat of whitewash—white¬ 
wash always on hand at City Hall when questions 
are asked after a burlesque show has left the town. 
That is all, Mrs. President. (Scats herself amid 
applause) 

President. The Secretary will please make a 
note of the suggestions of the New Charter Com¬ 
mittee. 

Mrs. Jones. (Rises) Mrs. President. 
President. Mrs. Jones? 

Mrs. Jones. As you know, there has been some 
talk of putting a tariff on bananas. Mrs. Paolo 
Simpleanna is here to put in a plea for the suc¬ 
culent fruit. 

Mrs. Simpleanna. (She carries a basket of 
bananas. Speaks in 1very emotional manner) 

If they puta a tax upon banan, 

It is de richa mana’s plan 

To do upa his Dago cousin- 

Charge him too many centa de dozen. 

Americano has his nicea watermelon, 

De Frenchman for froga leg is yellin’, 

De German wanta bees pot of beer- 

For us—de banan we lova dear! 

We bakea heem and boila heem and fry heem, 
And he slipa down and tasta like more! 




24 


THE WOMAN’S CONVENTION. 


If you puta heem in icea cream and try heem, 

You too de banan will adore! 

If you slidea on a peel on de stair, 

Where you land you don’t a mucha care! 

Den taxa heem not—de banan! 

For he feeda de reech and de poor! 

He grow from de childa queeck to man! 

So let heem come free—I implore! 

(Sits. Applause) 

President. The Secretary will please- 

Miss Maloney: (Bounces in at door r. and 
interrupts) Mrs. Prisident how much is it to be¬ 
come an active mimber of this association? 

Miss Loppy. (Prompted by President) Five 
dollars. 

Miss Maloney. (Puts a bunch of bills on 
President’s desk) She said I had no right to put 
her out. Now I’ve the right to go out there and put 
her out again if I want to. Sure she had a beer- 
stein in her basket and hit me on the head wid it 
until I saw stars in the Irish hivens! 

President. The Secretary will make a note of 
your application. 

Miss Maloney. ( Speaks , then seats herself) 
Five dollars’ worth of active mimbership—that’s 
what I want! (Rubs her head ruefully and 
straightens hat which was almost off) 

Mrs. Gadsby. (Rises) Mrs. President. 

President. Mrs. Gadsby? 

Mrs. Gadsby. As chairman of the Indiscre¬ 
tions Committee, I wish to report our investigation 
of The Old Ladies’ Home. Mrs. Angy Cooper, 
seventy-six, and Miss Jane Snodgrass, seventy-two, 
had been accused of being out at night unchap¬ 
eroned to celebrate Mrs. Cooper’s birthday. After 
sharp interrogation they finally confessed that they 
went secretly to the corner of Broadway and Wash¬ 
ington Avenue to look in at the window of Klein’s 
Millinery Shop, and that after Angy had selected 




THE WOMAN’S CONVENTION. 


a bunch of pink daisies for her bonnet, and was 
only restrained from buying them from the fact 
that the store was closed, they returned to the 
Home. They were reprimanded and advised to 
keep up with the proceedings of the Universal 
Suffrage Society whose members have risen above 
hats, so to speak, having time for only the serious 
problems of life. The next visit of the Indiscre¬ 
tions Committee will be to the Refuge for Pursued 
Bachelors. The visit was suggested by young 
Widow McClean who says that the subject of 
Bachelors is the one that lies nearest her heart 
I thank you, Mrs. President, ladies, visitors, for 
your kind attention. (Seats herself) 

Miss Maloney. Well, going back to Klein’s 
Millinery Store—as I passed the windy this morn¬ 
ing, I saw tin dollar hats for ninety-eight cints. 

Omnes. (A perfect babel) What, for ninety- 
eight cents? Ten dollar hats at ninety-eight cents! 
Are they still there? Klein’s do have SUCH bar¬ 
gains! Wonderful styles at Klein’s. I need a new 
hat, etc. 

President. (Pounds with gavel) Order! Sit 
down—everybody! (Babel subsides. Several who 
had been standing resume their seats) 

Miss Maloney. No use makin’ a raid on 
Klein’s. I didn’t mane tin-dollar hats reduced to 
ninety-eight cints. I meant tin hats, at a dollar 
apiece, reduced two cints on the hat! 

Mrs. Gadsby. (Scornfully) Oh, that’s a dif¬ 
ferent matter, and not worth considering at all! 

(Omnes murmur their agreement with Mrs. 

Gadsby’s statement.) 

Mrs. Greene. (Rises) Mrs. President. 

President. Mrs. Greene? 

Mrs. Greene. Please may my little girl speak 
her piece? The dear darling child is getting so 
nervous waiting, I’m afraid she’ll forget it. 


26 


THE WOMAN’S CONVENTION. 


President. Certainly she may speak, Mrs. 
Greene, but I hope the poem will be strong for 
suffrage, and not reflect her father’s well-known 
vacillating tendencies. 

Miss Maloney. Sure I was vascillated last 
week to keep from getting small-pox but it doesn't 
affect me tendencies! 

President. Order! Susie, you may come for¬ 
ward and recite the poem. 

Susie. ( Advances and makes deep curtsy ) 

Oh, vacant day and lonesome night 
When mother goes to vote! 

Our baby looks a messy sight 
Since mother goes to vote. 

The bread falls flat and will not rise 
When mother goes to vote. 

And father ties his own neckties 
Since mother goes to vote. 

Our shoes and stockings are all holes 
Since mother goes to vote. 

We eat stale pie and hard-shell rolls 
Since mother goes to vote. 

The dog has lost his hopeful bark 
Since mother goes to vote, 

Pa reads his paper in the Park 
Since mother goes to vote. 

The cat puts on some extra airs 
Since mother goes to vote, 

We wish Ma never had woke up 
And found that she could vote. 

And so the family’s all broke up 
Because Ma goes to vote, 

Pa swears, whene’er it’s time to sup. 

And calls himself the goat! 


THE WOMAN’S CONVENTION. 


27 


(Makes deep cur sty and retires to seat . Onlv Mrs. 
Wayback applauds) 

Mrs. Jones. Mrs. President, without wishing to 
criticise little Susie, I will say that my little Tennie 
is all prepared to read her prize Essay on' Men, 
which is more in the spirit of what the Feminist 
Club of Punkville stands for, than the verses so 
nicely delivered by our young friend. 

President. We’ll be glad to hear from Jennie. 

(Jennie comes forward and stands in spot left 

vacant by Susie.) 

Jennie. (Makes a business-like little bow to 
President and her auditors) Men are the articles 
women marry and then are sorry afterwards that 
they did, except old maids who are sorry that they 
didn’t. Men stay away from church because they 
are % not allowed to wear bonnets in church like 
women even at Easter, so what’s the use? Women 
are logical and men zoological. That is why a 
man’s wife so often calls him a brute, and he likes 
to be called a sly dog but if anyone calls him a 
puppy it’s time to send quick for the police. Man 
sprang from a monkey, and woman did too, only 
she sprang a longer distance while she was at it, 
and she has remained ahead ever since. Selah! 
(Sits down amid loud applause) 

President. (Looks at slip on her desk placed 
there by Miss Loppy) Miss Loppy informs me 
that we have now come to the last number on our 
programme consisting of a suffrage song by the 
members of the Pink Cat Club from Loudville, 
who wish to announce that the Cats may be 
engaged to appear at Suffrage Bonfires, and so 
forth. 

Mrs. Vocal. ( Springs up) Bonfires, Mrs. 
President, sounds as if we were singed cats, 
whereas we insist upon the adjective pink. ( As 


28 THE WOMAN’S CONVENTION. 


she pronounces the word “ pink ” the several mem¬ 
bers of the Pink Cat Club pr 9 duce huge pink bows 
from their reticules, and pin them just below the 
chin. Mrs. Vocal advances to space in front of 
President’s desk and wields baton while the others, 
grouped back of her, sing ) 


SONG. 


(Tune of “ Old Black Joe.”) 

Gone are the days when the vote we did not know, 
Now is the time when our horns we freely blow. 
We cast our votes just like a voter man 
Though some still say we surely can’t 
We can, can, can! 

Gone are the men who said it wouldn’t do, 

Times now are changed and grumblers are taboo. 
Some day we’ll have a female President. 

Hooray, hooray, we’ll hire that day a 
Cir-cus tent! 

Miss Maloney. Iverybody sing! (Jumps on a 
chair, beats time with a Votes for IVomen pennant, 
while Omnes join in the singing. The song is re¬ 
peated throughout while handkerchiefs and flags 
are waved by the singers, and the utmost enthusiasm 
shown) 

CURTAIN. 


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